Author: S. Reimers, JD/LICSW

Mental Health Therapist
Therapy

The Power of Positive Self-Talk

S. Reimers, JD/LICSW

What It Is, What It Isn’t, and Why It Matters

Negative self-talk is so common that many of us barely notice it. It’s the quiet background noise of the mind: You should be further along by now. Why can’t you do this like everyone else? You always mess things up. For some people it’s an occasional visitor; for others it’s a near-constant narrator. Either way, the way we talk to ourselves shapes our emotions, our behavior, and even our sense of what’s possible in our lives.

Let’s look at the real costs of negative self-talk—and why learning a more compassionate, constructive inner voice isn’t just “feel-good fluff,” but a practical life skill.

The Hidden Costs of Negative Self-Talk

1. Living by Imaginary Standards

A lot of negative self-talk comes from comparing ourselves to standards that are unclear, unrealistic, or not even ours. We absorb ideas about success, productivity, beauty, or likability from family, culture, or social media, and then silently punish ourselves for not measuring up.

The cost? Chronic dissatisfaction. When the bar is always moving—or impossibly high—you never get to feel “enough.” Even real accomplishments feel hollow because the inner critic quickly shifts the goalposts.

2. Shame About Traits and Performance

Negative self-talk often targets stable traits (“I’m lazy,” “I’m awkward,” “I’m bad with people”) instead of specific behaviors. This turns temporary struggles into identity-level judgments.

Shame is particularly costly because it makes change harder. If you believe a flaw is who you are rather than something you do, why try? Shame also pushes people toward hiding, withdrawing, or perfectionism—none of which support growth.

3. Emotional and Physical Toll

Research consistently links harsh self-criticism with higher anxiety, depression, and stress. Your brain doesn’t fully distinguish between an external bully and an internal one. Repeated self-attacks can keep your nervous system in a mild threat state, raising stress hormones and draining emotional energy.

4. Reduced Motivation

Many people believe self-criticism keeps them accountable. In reality, it often does the opposite. When tasks are paired with self-attack, your brain learns to associate effort with pain. Procrastination and avoidance then make perfect sense—they’re protective moves.

The Benefits of Positive Self-Talk

Positive self-talk isn’t about pretending everything is great. It’s about speaking to yourself in ways that are accurate, kind, and useful.

1. Greater Resilience

When your inner voice says, That was hard, but you handled parts of it well and you can try again, setbacks become information rather than verdicts. You bounce back faster because your self-worth isn’t on the line every time.

2. Better Performance

Athletes and performers use constructive self-talk to improve focus and persistence. Statements like Stay with it, One step at a time, or You’ve done hard things before help regulate emotions and maintain effort.

3. Healthier Relationships

The way you talk to yourself often spills into how you relate to others. When you’re less harsh internally, you tend to be less defensive, less approval-seeking, and more open. Self-compassion makes room for compassion toward others.

4. A Stable Sense of Worth

Genuine positive self-talk builds worth that isn’t dependent on constant success. You become someone who can say, I value myself even while I’m growing.

Practical Strategies for Shifting Self-Talk

1. Notice and Name It

You can’t change what you don’t notice. Start by catching your inner commentary. Some people find it helpful to write down recurring phrases. Label them gently: That’s my inner critic talking.

2. Use the “Friend Test”

Ask: Would I say this to a good friend in the same situation? If not, try rephrasing.

  • From: I’m terrible at this.
  • To: I’m still learning this.

3. Aim for Believable, Not Rosy

Your brain rejects statements it knows are false. Instead of I’m amazing at everything, try I’m improving, or I can handle this step. Realistic encouragement works better than over-the-top praise.

4. Try Self-Compassion Breaks

A simple tool from self-compassion research includes three steps:

  • Mindfulness: “This is a moment of struggle.”
  • Common humanity: “Struggle is part of being human.”
  • Kindness: “May I be kind to myself here.”

This interrupts the spiral of self-attack.

5. Externalize the Critic

Some people imagine their inner critic as a character or voice separate from their core self. This can make it easier to say, Thanks for your input, but I’m choosing a different response.

6. Values-Based Self-Talk

Instead of focusing on how you feel or how you compare, focus on what matters to you.

  • I’m choosing to do this because I value growth.
  • I care about being reliable, so I’ll take one step.

This anchors your self-talk in direction, not judgment.

Tools That Can Help

  • Journaling: Track patterns in your thinking.
  • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) worksheets: Help challenge distorted thoughts.
  • Mindfulness or meditation apps: Build awareness of inner dialogue.
  • Voice notes to yourself: Some people benefit from literally recording encouraging reminders.

You don’t need all of these—just one or two practiced consistently.

Genuine vs. Toxic Positive Self-Talk

It’s important to distinguish healthy positive self-talk from what might be called “toxic positivity” or narcissistic self-talk.

Genuine positive self-talk is:

  • Grounded in reality
  • Open to feedback
  • Compassionate toward self and others
  • Aimed at growth

Examples:
I have strengths and weaknesses like everyone.
I made a mistake and I can repair it.

Toxic or narcissistic self-talk is:

  • Inflated and defensive
  • Dismissive of others
  • Resistant to accountability
  • Used to prop up fragile self-esteem

Examples:
I’m better than everyone else.
Nothing is ever my fault.

The key difference is that genuine positive self-talk includes humility and responsibility. It doesn’t deny flaws; it holds them in a larger, kinder perspective.

Your inner voice is one of the few companions you have for life. It can be a harsh drill sergeant or a steady coach. Changing it doesn’t happen overnight, but small shifts matter. Each time you replace a cruel thought with a fair and supportive one, you’re not just “being nice to yourself”—you’re building a mental environment where growth is actually possible.

Therapy, Uncategorized

Fear-Based Avoidance

S. Reimers, JD/LICSW

Fear-Based AvoidanceWhen Protection Turns Into a Prison

Fear gets a bad rap, but it didn’t evolve to ruin your life. Fear exists because bodies are ancient survival machines. Long before there were performance reviews, family group chats, or dating apps, fear kept our ancestors from walking off cliffs or petting animals with too many teeth. At its core, fear is a protective biological process: your nervous system scanning for danger and mobilizing you to survive it.

The problem isn’t fear itself. The problem is when the fear dial gets turned way too high.

Modern fear is often wildly mismatched to modern threats. Our bodies respond to social rejection, uncertainty, and emotional discomfort as if they were physical dangers. The same system that once helped us escape predators now floods us with adrenaline because we might say the wrong thing, feel embarrassed, disappoint someone, or fail at something that matters. Fear starts overestimating danger while underestimating our ability to cope. And when that happens, avoidance can quietly take over our lives.

Fear-based avoidance sounds reasonable on the surface. I’ll do it when I feel more confident. I’ll speak up once I’m less anxious. I’ll pursue that thing after I fix myself first. But avoidance doesn’t make fear shrink. It teaches your nervous system that fear was right all along. Every time you avoid, your brain learns: Good call. That was dangerous. The fear grows stronger, broader, and more convincing.

This is where Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers a different approach—not about eliminating fear, but about changing your relationship to it.

Fear Is Sensation Plus Story

ACT draws an important distinction between the physical sensations of fear and the stories our minds tell about those sensations. The body does its thing: racing heart, tight chest, shallow breathing. The mind piles on meaning: This is unbearable. This will end badly. You can’t handle this.

Those thoughts feel authoritative, but they’re not commands—they’re mental events. ACT calls the process of stepping back from them cognitive defusion. Instead of arguing with fear (“This isn’t scary!”), you notice it: I’m having the thought that this will end in disaster. That small shift creates space. You’re no longer inside the story; you’re observing it.

Fear loses some of its grip when it’s seen as information rather than instruction.

Values Give Fear a Direction

Avoidance thrives when fear is the boss. Values flip the hierarchy.

Values aren’t goals you complete; they’re directions you move in. Connection. Integrity. Creativity. Justice. Curiosity. Care. They answer the question: What kind of person do I want to be, even when it’s uncomfortable?

ACT doesn’t ask, How do I get rid of fear so I can live my life? It asks, What do I want my life to stand for—and am I willing to feel fear in service of that?

This matters because fear shows up most intensely around things that matter. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be scared. Anxiety before speaking up often points to a value of honesty or fairness. Fear of rejection often signals a longing for connection. Fear isn’t proof you’re weak—it’s evidence that you’re alive and invested.

Accepting Pain Without Surrendering Your Life

Acceptance in ACT doesn’t mean liking fear or resigning yourself to suffering. It means making room for discomfort without letting it decide your behavior. You stop fighting sensations that can’t be controlled and start focusing on actions that can be chosen.

Try this in real time:

  • Name the sensations (“tight throat,” “heat in my face”).
  • Breathe into them rather than away from them.
  • Remind yourself: This is uncomfortable, not dangerous.

Pain shrinks when it’s allowed and grows when it’s resisted. Avoidance trades short-term relief for long-term restriction. Acceptance trades short-term discomfort for long-term freedom.

Courage Is Usually Small and Repetitive

We tend to think of courage as something dramatic: charging into battle, stepping onto a stage, making a grand declaration. But most courage is quiet and unglamorous. It’s sending the email you’re tempted to overthink for a week. It’s staying present during a difficult conversation. It’s showing up imperfectly instead of waiting to feel ready.

Courage isn’t the absence of fear. It’s choosing to act while fear rides along in the passenger seat.

ACT emphasizes commitment—making small, values-based promises to yourself and keeping them, even when your mind protests. Start tiny. Not “I’ll never avoid again,” but “I’ll take one step toward what matters today.” Momentum builds through repetition, not intensity.

Practical Ways to Challenge Fear-Based Avoidance

  • Name the function of avoidance. Ask, What is this avoiding helping me not feel right now? Relief, embarrassment, vulnerability?
  • Shrink the step. Fear thrives on vagueness. Make actions concrete and doable.
  • Bring fear with you. Stop waiting for it to leave. Say, You can come, but you don’t get to drive.
  • Track values, not comfort. Measure success by alignment, not ease.
  • Practice defusion daily. Thoughts repeat; your relationship to them can change.

Fear will always try to keep you safe. Thank it for the intention—and then gently remind it that safety is not the same thing as living.

You don’t need to be fearless to live boldly. You just need to be willing.

Therapy

Burnout…

S. Reimers, JD/LICSW

What It Is and How to Recover

Burnout Defined

Burnout is a word we hear often, but many people don’t recognize it until they’re already deep in it. It’s not just feeling tired after a long week or unmotivated for a day or two. Burnout is a state of emotional, mental, and often physical exhaustion caused by prolonged stress—especially when that stress feels relentless, unavoidable, or disconnected from meaning or reward. It can creep in quietly, disguising itself as “just pushing through,” until even simple tasks feel overwhelming.

At its core, burnout happens when demand consistently exceeds capacity. You give more than you can sustainably replenish. Over time, your system doesn’t just get tired—it starts to shut down as a form of self-protection.

What Burnout Feels Like

Burnout often shows up as chronic fatigue, cynicism, irritability, brain fog, or a sense of emotional numbness. You might feel detached from your work or relationships, find it harder to care about things that once mattered, or feel trapped in a loop of obligation without relief. Many people also experience physical symptoms: headaches, muscle tension, sleep problems, or increased illness.

One reason burnout is so common is that our culture rewards overcommitment. We glorify productivity, hustle, and resilience while quietly discouraging rest and limits. Many people treat life like a series of sprints—constantly rushing, pushing, and accelerating—when in reality, a sustainable life is more like a marathon. Sprinting occasionally is fine. Sprinting all the time is not.

Spoon Theory and the Cost of Overcommitting

A helpful framework for understanding burnout is spoon theory. Originally developed to describe chronic illness, spoon theory uses “spoons” as a metaphor for energy units. Each task—getting dressed, going to work, having a conversation—costs a certain number of spoons. When you’re out of spoons, you’re done for the day.

Burnout often develops when we repeatedly plan our lives as if we have unlimited spoons. We say yes to too much, underestimate the energy cost of obligations, and assume tomorrow we’ll magically have more capacity. Overcommitting—whether at work, in family roles, or socially—drains spoons faster than they can be replenished. Recovery requires learning to budget energy realistically, not optimistically.

Recovery Is Not a Vacation—It’s a Recalibration

Recovering from burnout isn’t just about taking a break, though breaks help. Many people take time off only to return to the same patterns, expectations, and internal pressures that caused burnout in the first place. True recovery requires both rest and structural change.

Here are five strategies that can support healing and help prevent burnout from returning.

1. Shift from Sprinting to Pacing

Burnout recovery begins with changing how you move through life. If you’ve been living in constant urgency, your nervous system is likely stuck in overdrive. Pacing means intentionally slowing down, building in margins, and leaving some energy unused.

This may feel uncomfortable at first, especially if your identity is tied to productivity. But pacing doesn’t mean doing nothing—it means doing what’s sustainable. Ask yourself: Could I keep living this way for years? If the answer is no, something needs to change.

2. Reassess Commitments and Say Fewer Yeses

Burnout thrives on unexamined obligation. Recovery requires a hard look at where your energy is going. Which commitments are essential, and which are inherited, habitual, or guilt-driven?

Start by reducing, not optimizing. You don’t need a more efficient schedule—you need a lighter one. Practice saying no, postponing decisions, or offering partial participation. Protecting your energy is not selfish; it’s necessary.

3. Restore Rest (Without Earning It)

Many burned-out people only rest when they feel they’ve “earned” it. Recovery asks you to flip that belief. Rest is not a reward—it’s a biological requirement.

This includes sleep, but also mental rest (less stimulation), emotional rest (fewer draining interactions), and sensory rest (quiet, nature, reduced screen time). Rest may feel unproductive, but it is the soil where recovery grows.

4. Reconnect with Meaning, Not Just Output

Burnout often strips life of meaning, leaving only tasks and expectations. Part of healing involves reconnecting with why you do what you do—or discovering new sources of meaning altogether.

This might involve creativity, values-based work, relationships, spirituality, or small moments of pleasure and curiosity. Meaning doesn’t have to be grand. It just has to be yours.

5. Seek Support and Normalize Needing Help

Burnout is not a personal failure; it’s a human response to chronic strain. Talking with a therapist, counselor, or trusted person can help you untangle unrealistic expectations, perfectionism, or people-pleasing patterns that fuel burnout.

Support also reminds you that you don’t have to carry everything alone. Recovery is faster—and gentler—when it’s shared.

Moving Forward

Burnout recovery is not linear. There will be days when energy returns, and days when it doesn’t. The goal is not to get back to who you were before burnout, but to build a life that doesn’t require burning yourself down to function.

When you stop treating life like an endless sprint, honor your limited spoons, and allow rest to be part of the plan, something important happens: energy slowly comes back—not as adrenaline, but as steadiness. And that kind of energy lasts.

Therapy

Challenging Perfectionism

S. Reimers, JD/LICSW

Learning to Be Okay with Being Human

Perfectionism often disguises itself as motivation. It whispers that we’re only as good as our latest achievement, our cleanest home, our most flawless performance. At first, it can seem like a drive toward excellence. But over time, perfectionism becomes less about doing well and more about avoiding failure — or the feeling of being “not enough.” It can keep us trapped in cycles of anxiety, self-criticism, and emotional exhaustion.

Learning to challenge perfectionism isn’t about lowering your standards; it’s about freeing yourself from the belief that you must be flawless to be worthy. It’s about learning to live, breathe, and even thrive in the presence of imperfection — your own and the world’s.

Recognize the Voice of Perfectionism

The first step is noticing when perfectionism is speaking. Its voice often sounds like:

  • “If I can’t do it perfectly, it’s not worth doing.”
  • “Everyone else is doing better than me.”
  • “I should have known better.”
  • “If I make a mistake, people will see I’m not good enough.”

Try writing these thoughts down as they arise. Seeing them on paper creates distance between you and them. These aren’t objective truths; they’re stories you’ve learned to tell yourself. Ask: Whose standards am I trying to meet? and What am I afraid would happen if I didn’t meet them?

Naming perfectionism gives you power to challenge it.

Redefine What “Good Enough” Means

Perfectionism operates on extremes — success or failure, right or wrong, perfect or worthless. Real life lives in the gray area.

To soften perfectionism’s grip, begin redefining what “good enough” looks like in your daily life. That might mean:

  • Finishing a project when it meets its purpose, not when it feels flawless.
  • Showing up to a social event even if you’re not feeling your best.
  • Sending the email even if the wording isn’t poetic.

You might even make a “Good Enough List”: write down specific examples of tasks that don’t need to be perfect — meals, chores, emails, workouts, conversations. Each time you accept “good enough,” you strengthen the muscle of self-acceptance.

Try saying to yourself:

“I can do things imperfectly and still be proud of myself.”
“Progress counts more than perfection.”
“Done is better than perfect.”

These aren’t excuses for laziness; they’re affirmations of humanity.

Build Comfort with Mistakes

Mistakes don’t define your worth — they reveal your growth edges.

When you make a mistake, try shifting from self-criticism to curiosity. Instead of “I’m so stupid,” say,

“That didn’t go the way I hoped. What can I learn from it?”

Curiosity is the antidote to shame. It transforms “I failed” into “I learned.” Over time, this practice rewires the emotional association between mistakes and self-worth. Instead of spiraling into self-rejection, you learn to meet mistakes with patience and compassion.

Another tool: imagine talking to a close friend who made the same mistake. You’d likely say, “It’s okay — you’re human. You’ll figure it out.” Try saying that to yourself, even if it feels awkward at first.

Self-talk might sound like:

“It’s safe for me to be learning.”
“I’m still growing, and that’s what matters.”
“Making mistakes doesn’t make me a failure — it makes me real.”

Practice Imperfect Action

Perfectionism thrives on delay — waiting until you feel ready, certain, or “good enough.” The antidote is imperfect action.

Choose something small: share a creative project before you think it’s ready. Try a new recipe without overplanning. Speak up even if your voice shakes. Each act of imperfect action is a quiet rebellion against perfectionism’s tyranny.

The goal isn’t to fail intentionally — it’s to act without the guarantee of perfection. Over time, you’ll build tolerance for uncertainty and learn that your worth doesn’t depend on outcomes.

You can remind yourself:

“It’s better to try imperfectly than to not try at all.”
“Every step forward counts, even if it’s messy.”

Imperfect action builds confidence through lived experience, not imagined mastery.

Develop a Kinder Inner Voice

Perfectionism often grows from an inner critic that once tried to protect you — maybe from disapproval, rejection, or shame. But as adults, we can replace that harsh voice with one that supports growth instead of fear.

Positive self-talk isn’t about empty affirmations; it’s about re-parenting the part of you that feels unsafe being imperfect.

When you notice the critic saying, “You’re not good enough,” respond gently:

“I’m doing my best, and that’s enough for today.”

When it says, “You messed up again,” try:

“It’s okay to be learning. I can still be kind to myself.”

If it says, “People won’t like you if you fail,” answer:

“I’m allowed to be real. People connect with honesty, not perfection.”

Write a few affirmations that resonate with you and keep them visible — on your phone background, a sticky note, or your mirror. Over time, your brain learns to reach for kindness first.

6. Embrace Humanity Over Performance

Perfectionism teaches us to perform — to prove we’re deserving. But connection doesn’t come from being impressive; it comes from being authentic. When you allow yourself to be imperfect, you give others permission to do the same.

Notice how your relationships feel when you drop the façade, when you say, “I don’t know,” or “I’m struggling.” Vulnerability can be deeply uncomfortable — but it’s also deeply freeing.

You might remind yourself:

“I am lovable, not because I’m perfect, but because I’m human.”

Closing Thought

Challenging perfectionism isn’t about giving up on growth — it’s about reclaiming the right to grow freely. It’s learning that your worth is inherent, not earned through flawless performance.

When you make peace with imperfection, you stop chasing a moving target and start living your real, messy, beautiful life. You begin to realize: the cracks in you were never flaws — they were openings for light to get in.

Therapy, Uncategorized

Finding Peace in a Chaotic World

S. Reimers, JD/LICSW

Reframing the Present Moment in Troubling Times

As a therapist, I sit daily with clients who are deeply troubled by the world around them. The political landscape—both domestic and international—feels increasingly divisive. Newsfeeds are full of polarization, violence, climate disasters, and human suffering. For many, it’s not just background noise—it’s a constant hum of distress, a source of anxiety that feels both urgent and completely out of their control.

I understand that distress. I feel it too. But over the years, both personally and professionally, I’ve come to believe something important: peace is not found in ignoring the chaos. Peace is found in how we relate to it.

We live in a time where we’re more informed than ever, yet often feel more powerless than ever. We carry global suffering in our pockets, absorbing a relentless stream of information we were never meant to hold. While our awareness can deepen empathy, it can also overwhelm us, leaving us paralyzed or despairing. The solution is not to disengage—but to refocus.

Mindfulness: Returning to the Present Moment

One of the most powerful tools I teach is present-focused mindfulness. That’s not just sitting cross-legged and breathing (though that can help). It’s the daily, moment-to-moment practice of bringing our attention back from the swirling chaos of the world into what’s right in front of us.

When your mind spirals with “What ifs?” about the future or ruminates on all that’s going wrong, mindfulness invites a different question: “What is happening right now?”

Right now, your feet are on the ground. You’re breathing. You’re alive. Perhaps someone nearby needs kindness. Perhaps there’s a small task in front of you that deserves your care. The practice of noticing, grounding, and gently returning to now—again and again—is not escapism. It’s choosing to anchor yourself in a storm.

When the world feels out of control, mindfulness reminds us: this moment is still yours.

Reframing: Shifting from Helplessness to Engagement

Many of my clients come in with language like, “Everything is falling apart,” or “There’s nothing I can do.” While those feelings are valid, they’re often rooted in distorted, all-or-nothing thinking. This is where cognitive reframingbecomes essential.

Reframing doesn’t mean denying reality. It means choosing to see the fuller picture. Yes, there is suffering and injustice. And—there is also kindness, resilience, and people doing good work every single day.

Ask yourself:

  • Can I honor the pain of the world without letting it consume me?
  • Can I acknowledge what’s wrong without losing sight of what’s right?

Reframing allows us to hold both truths. It opens space for agency and hope, without demanding toxic positivity or denial.

Control the Controllables

One of the biggest sources of distress is the feeling that we should be doing more, knowing more, solving more. But the truth is, we can’t control everything. Not even close.

Here’s a therapeutic mantra I often share:
“Focus on what you can control. Let go of what you can’t. Know the difference.”

You can’t control political decisions made across the world. But you can control how you show up today. You can limit your news intake. You can vote. You can engage in difficult conversations with respect and curiosity. You can be kind to your neighbor. You can raise your children with empathy and integrity.

This isn’t about shrinking your concern. It’s about focusing your energy where it can actually make a difference—and protecting your mental health in the process.

Zooming In: The Power of Local and Micro Acts

When we constantly focus on the macro—global headlines, massive systems, overwhelming statistics—we often end up feeling powerless. But zoom in, and you’ll see a different picture.

Change happens locally. Healing happens in micro moments.

Ask yourself:

  • What’s happening in my community?
  • Who can I help?
  • How can I make one person’s day better?

One client of mine felt despair over climate change—until she committed to adjusting her own lifestyle choices to reduce her carbon footprint. Another was overwhelmed by political vitriol—until he joined a respectful bipartisan group as a way to humanize those he disagreed with. Small actions, grounded in values, create ripples.

When you zoom in, you realize: you’re not powerless. You’re part of something.

Living According to Values-Based Commitments

Mindfulness and reframing help us calm the storm. But long-term peace comes from living in alignment with our values—especially in a chaotic world.

Ask yourself:

  • What kind of person do I want to be?
  • What values matter most to me—compassion, justice, integrity, community?
  • How can I embody those values, right here, right now?

You may not be able to fix the world. But you can show up with courage, kindness, and purpose. You can be a steady, grounded presence for others. You can take action not from panic, but from principle.

This is the heart of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), one of the frameworks I often use in therapy: aligning your actions with your values, even when things feel uncertain or hard.

In a divided, noisy, and often painful world, calm may feel elusive. But peace is not the absence of chaos—it’s how you hold yourself within it.

So breathe. Come back to this moment. Zoom in. Reframe. Act with intention. And trust that even your smallest acts of grounded, values-based living matter.

Because they do.

:), Susan Reimers, JD/LICSW

Therapy

Self-as-Context: Embracing the Observer Self

S. Reimers, JD/LICSW

Part Six in our Six Part Series on the Core Principles of ACT Therapy

This post marks the conclusion of our six-part series exploring the core principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), a therapeutic approach designed to foster psychological flexibility and help individuals live values-driven lives. In previous posts, we examined Acceptance, Cognitive Defusion, Present Moment Awareness, Values Clarification, and Committed Action. Now, we turn to the final principle of the ACT hexaflex: Self-as-Context.

What Is Self-as-Context in ACT?

Self-as-context, often referred to as the “observer self,” is the part of us that is aware of our experiences without being defined by them. It is the perspective from which we observe our thoughts, feelings, sensations, and behaviors without becoming entangled in them. Unlike the “conceptualized self” (the stories or labels we attach to who we are), the observer self provides a stable, unchanging point of awareness.

This principle emphasizes that while our thoughts, emotions, and roles may change over time, the self that observes these experiences remains constant. Cultivating self-as-context helps us step back from the content of our minds, fostering a sense of perspective and reducing the tendency to overidentify with unhelpful thoughts or narratives.

Why Is Self-as-Context Important?

Self-as-context plays a crucial role in psychological flexibility and well-being. It allows us to:

  • Detach from Limiting Narratives: By recognizing that we are not our thoughts or emotions, we can reduce the influence of unhelpful or rigid self-concepts.
  • Navigate Challenges with Perspective: The observer self provides a broader view, helping us respond to difficulties with clarity and balance.
  • Enhance Compassion and Curiosity: Viewing ourselves from a place of awareness fosters self-compassion and a curious, nonjudgmental approach to our experiences.
  • Support Values-Driven Action: By stepping back from unhelpful mental content, we can focus on taking actions that align with our values.

Self-as-Context in Action: A Metaphor

A powerful metaphor for self-as-context is the “Sky and Weather.” Imagine your mind is like the sky, and your thoughts and emotions are like the weather. Sometimes the sky is cloudy, stormy, or sunny, but the sky itself remains unchanged regardless of the weather. Similarly, the observer self—your sky—remains constant, providing a space to hold all experiences without being defined by them.

Practical Strategies to Cultivate Self-as-Context

Developing self-as-context involves practices that enhance awareness and perspective. Here are some strategies to help you connect with your observer self:

  1. Mindfulness Meditation: Engage in mindfulness practices that emphasize observing your thoughts, emotions, and sensations as they arise. Focus on noticing these experiences without judgment or attachment.
  2. Perspective-Taking Exercises: Reflect on moments when you’ve observed your own thoughts or behaviors. For example, recall a time when you noticed yourself feeling anxious and consider how the part of you that observed the anxiety was separate from the feeling itself.
  3. Practice “Noticing”: Throughout the day, practice labeling your experiences with phrases like, “I am noticing a thought about failure” or “I am aware of a feeling of excitement.” This practice reinforces the distinction between your experiences and the self that observes them.
  4. Use Guided Visualizations: Engage in exercises that help you visualize the observer self. For example, imagine sitting in a theater, watching your thoughts and emotions play out on a screen while you remain seated as the observer.
  5. Reflect on Identity Changes: Think about how aspects of your identity have evolved over time (e.g., roles, relationships, beliefs) and how the part of you that observes these changes has remained constant.

Common Misconceptions About Self-as-Context

To fully embrace self-as-context, it is important to address common misconceptions:

  • Self-as-Context Is Not About Ignoring Thoughts or Emotions: This principle doesn’t mean dismissing or avoiding experiences but observing them with openness and curiosity.
  • Self-as-Context Is Not the Same as Dissociation: While dissociation involves a sense of disconnection, self-as-context fosters a grounded and integrated awareness of experiences.
  • Self-as-Context Is Not a Fixed State: Cultivating self-as-context is an ongoing practice that deepens over time with intention and effort.

The Role of Self-as-Context in the ACT Hexaflex

Self-as-context is a foundational principle that supports and enhances the other components of the ACT hexaflex. It provides the perspective needed for cognitive defusion, acceptance, and present moment awareness. By connecting with the observer self, we can approach values clarification and committed action with greater clarity and flexibility.

Final Thoughts

Self-as-context is a transformative principle that helps us connect with the unchanging part of ourselves that observes our experiences. By cultivating this awareness, we can step back from unhelpful thoughts and emotions, respond to life’s challenges with greater perspective, and align our actions with our values.

This concludes our six-part series on the principles of ACT therapy. By integrating acceptance, cognitive defusion, present moment awareness, values clarification, committed action, and self-as-context, you can foster psychological flexibility and live a life that reflects what truly matters to you. Take a moment to reflect on how you might apply these principles in your own life. The journey toward a values-driven, meaningful life is ongoing, and every step you take brings you closer to the person you aspire to be.

If you live in Washington State, and you would like to make an appointment, please feel free to contact me here. I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

:), Susan Reimers, JD/LICSW

Therapy

Committed Action: Turning Values Into Meaningful Steps

S. Reimers, JD/LICSW

Part Five in our Six Part Series on the Core Principles of ACT Therapy

This post is the fifth in our series exploring the core principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), a research-backed approach designed to promote psychological flexibility and help individuals live rich, values-driven lives. In previous posts, we examined Acceptance, Cognitive Defusion, Present Moment Awareness, and Values Clarification. Now, we turn our attention to Committed Action—the principle that bridges the gap between knowing what matters and doing what matters.

What Is Committed Action in ACT?

Committed action refers to taking meaningful, goal-directed steps that align with your values, even in the face of discomfort, obstacles, or uncertainty. It emphasizes consistent and persistent action toward living a life that reflects what you care about most. Unlike impulsive or avoidant behaviors, committed action is guided by deliberate choices that align with your values.

This principle is not about perfection or immediate transformation. Instead, it involves a willingness to take small, consistent steps toward a meaningful life, no matter how difficult or uncomfortable the journey may be. The focus is on progress rather than perfection and on resilience rather than rigidity.

Why Is Committed Action Important?

Clarifying your values is an essential first step, but values alone are not enough to create change. Committed action brings your values to life by translating them into tangible, purposeful behaviors. This principle is crucial for several reasons:

  • Bridging the Gap Between Values and Behavior: Committed action ensures that your actions align with your values, helping you live a life that feels authentic and fulfilling.
  • Building Psychological Flexibility: By taking values-driven actions even when it’s hard, you develop the resilience to navigate challenges and setbacks.
  • Creating a Sense of Purpose: Purposeful action fosters a sense of meaning and direction, contributing to overall well-being and satisfaction.

Committed Action in Action: A Metaphor

A helpful metaphor for committed action is “Building a Path.” Imagine you’re standing in a dense forest, with your values represented by a distant mountain. The path to the mountain doesn’t exist yet; you have to build it one step at a time. Each step—each action—clears the way forward, even if the process is slow or the terrain is challenging. Over time, the path becomes clearer and easier to follow.

Practical Strategies to Foster Committed Action

Developing committed action involves creating actionable goals and cultivating the willingness to persevere through difficulties. Here are some strategies to help you take meaningful steps:

  1. Set Values-Based Goals: Use your clarified values as a foundation to set specific, measurable, and realistic goals. For example, if your value is “being a caring partner,” a goal might be “plan a weekly date night with my partner.”
  2. Break Down Goals into Steps: Large goals can feel overwhelming, so break them into smaller, manageable steps. For example, if your goal is to improve your physical health, a first step might be “go for a 10-minute walk each morning.”
  3. Embrace Flexibility: Life is unpredictable, and obstacles are inevitable. Practice adapting your actions to changing circumstances while staying true to your values. Flexibility allows you to persevere without rigidly clinging to a specific plan.
  4. Practice Self-Compassion: Committed action doesn’t require perfection. Be kind to yourself when you encounter setbacks, and remind yourself that progress, not perfection, is the goal.
  5. Track and Celebrate Progress: Keep a journal or use a habit tracker to monitor your progress. Celebrate small wins and acknowledge your efforts, even when the steps feel insignificant.
  6. Stay Connected to Your Values: Regularly revisit your values to ensure your actions remain aligned. When motivation wanes, reconnecting with your “why” can reignite your commitment.

Common Misconceptions About Committed Action

To fully embrace committed action, it’s important to address common misconceptions:

  • Committed Action Is Not About Willpower Alone: While perseverance is important, committed action is guided by values, not sheer determination. It’s about aligning your actions with what matters most, even in the presence of discomfort.
  • Committed Action Is Not Always Linear: Progress often involves setbacks, detours, and challenges. These moments are opportunities to learn and grow, not signs of failure.
  • Committed Action Is Not About Overcoming All Obstacles: Some obstacles may remain, but committed action focuses on taking steps forward despite them.

The Role of Committed Action in the ACT Hexaflex

Committed action is the natural extension of values clarification within the ACT hexaflex. Once you’ve identified your values, committed action provides the structure to bring them to life. It also intersects with other ACT principles, such as acceptance and defusion, by encouraging action even in the presence of difficult emotions or thoughts. Together, these principles create a holistic approach to living a meaningful life.

Final Thoughts

Committed action is where the rubber meets the road in ACT. It transforms values into purposeful steps, creating a bridge between intention and behavior. By cultivating the willingness to act, even in the face of discomfort, you can move closer to a life that reflects your deepest aspirations.

In the final post of this series, we will explore the principle of Self-as-Context, which helps us cultivate a flexible and compassionate sense of self. For now, take a moment to reflect on one small action you can take today to align with your values. Remember, meaningful change begins with a single step.

If you live in Washington State, and you would like to make an appointment, please feel free to contact me here. I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

:), Susan Reimers, JD/LICSW

Therapy

Values Clarification: Discovering What Truly Matters

S. Reimers, JD/LICSW

Part Four in a Six Part Series on the Core Principles of ACT Therapy

This post is the fourth in our series exploring the core principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), an evidence-based approach designed to foster psychological flexibility and help individuals live meaningful, values-driven lives. In previous posts, we discussed Acceptance, Cognitive Defusion, and Present Moment Awareness. Now, we delve into another essential principle of the ACT hexaflex: Values Clarification.

What Is Values Clarification in ACT?

Values clarification is the process of identifying, articulating, and committing to what truly matters in your life. In ACT, values are described as chosen life directions—qualities of being and doing that give our lives meaning and purpose. Unlike goals, which can be achieved or completed, values are enduring and guide our actions across all areas of life.

Values clarification helps us connect with the deeper reasons behind our actions and decisions. It involves exploring what we stand for, what we care about, and how we want to show up in the world. This process is deeply personal and unique to each individual, as it reflects our inner sense of purpose and fulfillment.

Why Is Values Clarification Important?

Values serve as a compass that guides our actions, especially during challenging times. Without clarity about our values, we may feel directionless, make choices that don’t align with our true selves, or avoid discomfort in ways that undermine our long-term well-being. Clarifying values helps us:

  • Prioritize What Matters: By understanding what is most important to us, we can focus our energy and attention on activities and relationships that align with our values.
  • Navigate Challenges: Values provide a sense of direction and motivation, even in the face of pain, uncertainty, or adversity.
  • Enhance Psychological Flexibility: Acting in accordance with our values fosters resilience and a sense of purpose, enabling us to adapt more effectively to life’s difficulties.

Values Clarification in Action: A Metaphor

A helpful metaphor for values clarification is the “Lighthouse.” Imagine you are sailing in rough waters. The lighthouse represents your values—a steady beacon that guides you toward your destination, even when the seas are stormy or the journey is difficult. While the lighthouse doesn’t eliminate the waves, it provides direction and purpose, helping you navigate through the challenges.

Practical Strategies to Clarify Your Values

Values clarification is an ongoing process that evolves as we grow and change. Here are some strategies to help you identify and connect with your values:

  1. Reflect on Meaningful Moments: Think about times in your life when you felt truly fulfilled, proud, or alive. What qualities or actions were present in those moments? These reflections can provide clues about your core values.
  2. Explore Different Life Domains: Consider various areas of your life, such as relationships, work, health, personal growth, and community involvement. What kind of person do you want to be in each domain? What qualities do you want to embody?
  3. Write Your Eulogy: Imagine what you would want others to say about you at the end of your life. What would you want them to remember about your character, actions, and contributions? This exercise can reveal your most cherished values.
  4. Use Values Lists or Card Sorts: Tools like values lists or card sorting exercises can help you identify and prioritize values. These activities involve reviewing a list of potential values, selecting the ones that resonate most with you, and ranking them by importance.
  5. Ask Values-Based Questions: Questions such as, “What kind of person do I want to be?” or “What do I want my life to stand for?” can help you clarify your values.

Common Misconceptions About Values Clarification

To fully embrace values clarification, it’s important to address common misconceptions:

  • Values Are Not the Same as Goals: While goals are specific, measurable outcomes, values are ongoing qualities that guide our actions. For example, “being a caring parent” is a value, while “spending one hour of quality time with my child each day” is a goal that aligns with that value.
  • Values Are Not Fixed: Values can evolve over time as we gain new experiences and insights. The process of values clarification is dynamic and adaptable.
  • Values Are Not Universal: Each person’s values are unique and deeply personal. What matters to one person may not resonate with another, and that’s okay.

The Role of Values Clarification in the ACT Hexaflex

Values clarification is central to the ACT hexaflex, connecting directly to committed action, another core principle of ACT. Once we identify our values, we can take purposeful actions that align with them, even in the face of discomfort or obstacles. By grounding ourselves in our values, we cultivate a sense of meaning and direction, enhancing our overall well-being.

Final Thoughts

Values clarification is a transformative process that helps us discover what truly matters and align our actions with our deepest aspirations. By connecting with our values, we can navigate life’s challenges with greater clarity, resilience, and purpose.

In the next post in this series, we will explore the principle of Committed Action, which builds on the foundation of values clarification to help us take meaningful steps toward a fulfilling life. For now, take some time to reflect on your own values. What matters most to you? How can you begin to align your actions with your values today? The journey to a values-driven life begins with these small but significant steps.

If you live in Washington State, and you would like to make an appointment, please feel free to contact me here. I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

:), Susan Reimers, JD/LICSW

Therapy, Uncategorized

Present Moment Awareness: Fully Engaging with Life

S. Reimers, JD/LICSW

Part Three in our Six Part Series on the Core Principles of ACT Therapy

This post is the third in our series exploring the core principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), an evidence-based approach that helps individuals develop psychological flexibility and lead values-driven lives. Having covered Acceptance and Cognitive Defusion in the previous posts, we now turn to another foundational principle of the ACT hexaflex: Present Moment Awareness.

What Is Present Moment Awareness in ACT?

Present moment awareness, often synonymous with mindfulness, is the practice of fully engaging with the here and now. It involves consciously attending to your current experiences—thoughts, emotions, sensations, and surroundings—without judgment or distraction. In ACT, this principle emphasizes being present, open, and flexible, regardless of whether the moment is pleasant or uncomfortable.

Modern life often pulls us out of the present moment, with distractions, worries about the future, and ruminations on the past dominating our attention. Present moment awareness helps us reconnect with what is happening right now, grounding us in our immediate experience. This practice fosters clarity and focus, enabling us to respond to life with intention rather than reacting automatically.

Why Is Present Moment Awareness Important?

Present moment awareness is crucial for psychological flexibility. When we are caught up in worries, regrets, or automatic thoughts, we can lose touch with what truly matters. By bringing our attention back to the present, we create space to observe our experiences with curiosity and compassion, rather than judgment or avoidance.

This principle also helps reduce the impact of unhelpful thought patterns and emotions. For example, instead of becoming overwhelmed by anxiety about an upcoming event, present moment awareness allows us to notice the feeling of anxiety, acknowledge it, and refocus on the current task or situation. Over time, this practice can improve emotional regulation, reduce stress, and enhance overall well-being.

Present Moment Awareness in Action: A Metaphor

A common ACT metaphor for present moment awareness is the “Observer on the Mountain.” Imagine you are sitting on top of a mountain, watching the valley below. You see weather patterns come and go: sunshine, rain, storms, and clouds. From your vantage point, you can observe these changes without being swept away by them. Similarly, present moment awareness helps you observe your internal experiences from a place of stability, rather than getting lost in them.

Practical Strategies to Cultivate Present Moment Awareness

In ACT, present moment awareness is developed through mindfulness practices and intentional exercises. Here are some practical strategies to integrate into your daily life:

  1. Mindful Breathing: Focus on the sensation of your breath as it enters and leaves your body. When your mind wanders, gently bring your attention back to your breath. This simple practice anchors you in the present moment.
  2. Body Scan: Take a few minutes to scan your body from head to toe, noticing sensations, tension, or areas of relaxation. This practice fosters awareness of your physical state and helps ground you in the present.
  3. Five Senses Exercise: Pause and take note of your surroundings using your five senses. What do you see, hear, smell, taste, and feel? This exercise helps you reconnect with your environment and shifts your focus away from unhelpful thoughts.
  4. Labeling Experiences: As you notice thoughts or emotions, label them objectively. For example, say to yourself, “I am noticing a feeling of sadness” or “I am having a thought about failure.” This practice encourages nonjudgmental awareness.
  5. Engaging Fully in Activities: Choose an everyday activity, such as washing dishes or drinking coffee, and give it your full attention. Notice the textures, smells, and sensations involved. This practice helps you appreciate the richness of ordinary moments.

Common Misconceptions About Present Moment Awareness

To fully embrace present moment awareness, it is important to address common misconceptions:

  • Mindfulness Is Not About Eliminating Thoughts: The goal is not to empty your mind but to observe your thoughts and experiences without judgment or attachment.
  • Mindfulness Is Not Always Relaxing: While mindfulness can reduce stress over time, the practice itself may involve confronting uncomfortable emotions or sensations.
  • Mindfulness Is Not a Fixed State: Present moment awareness is a skill that requires ongoing practice. It is normal for your mind to wander, and bringing it back to the present is part of the process.

The Role of Present Moment Awareness in the ACT Hexaflex

Present moment awareness is a foundational component of the ACT hexaflex, deeply intertwined with acceptance, defusion, and values-based living. By cultivating this principle, we enhance our ability to stay connected to our values and respond flexibly to life’s challenges. It allows us to fully engage with each moment, fostering a sense of presence and purpose.

Final Thoughts

Present moment awareness is a powerful tool for living a more intentional and fulfilling life. By grounding ourselves in the here and now, we can reduce the influence of unhelpful thoughts and emotions and create space for meaningful action. As you practice mindfulness, remember to approach yourself with patience and kindness. Each moment is an opportunity to begin again.

In the next post in this series, we will explore the principle of Values Clarification, which helps us identify and prioritize what truly matters in our lives. For now, take a moment to pause and notice your current experience. What do you see, hear, or feel? The present moment is always available to you, waiting to be explored.

If you live in Washington State, and you would like to make an appointment, please feel free to contact me here. I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

:), Susan Reimers, JD/LICSW

Therapy

Cognitive Defusion: A Key to Psychological Flexibility

S. Reimers, JD/LICSW

Part Two of a Six Part Series on the Core Principles of ACT Therapy

Changing Your Relationship with Thoughts

This post is the second in our series exploring the core principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), an evidence-based approach designed to enhance psychological flexibility and promote a values-driven life. Following our discussion of Acceptance, we now turn to another foundational principle of the ACT hexaflex: Cognitive Defusion.

What Is Cognitive Defusion in ACT?

Cognitive defusion is the process of changing how we relate to our thoughts. In ACT, thoughts are not viewed as inherently good or bad, true or false. Instead, the focus is on how much power we give to these thoughts and whether they help us live according to our values. Cognitive defusion involves stepping back from thoughts, seeing them for what they are—simply words or images in our minds—rather than as literal truths that must dictate our actions or emotions.

When we become fused with our thoughts, we treat them as absolute facts and allow them to dominate our decisions and behaviors. Defusion helps us break free from this grip, enabling us to observe our thoughts with curiosity and perspective. By doing so, we can reduce their impact and influence, allowing us to act in alignment with our values rather than being controlled by unhelpful mental content.

Why Is Cognitive Defusion Important?

Cognitive defusion is crucial because it helps us disentangle from thought patterns that contribute to emotional distress and behavioral avoidance. Many psychological struggles, such as anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, are fueled by unhelpful thinking. When we take our thoughts too seriously or treat them as ultimate truths, we can become stuck in patterns of rumination, worry, or self-criticism.

Defusion allows us to create distance from these thoughts, diminishing their power and influence. It helps us see that thoughts are not commands we must obey or obstacles we must eliminate. Instead, they are transient experiences that we can observe and let pass without getting caught up in their content. This shift empowers us to make choices based on our values rather than being driven by automatic thought patterns.

Cognitive Defusion in Action: A Metaphor

One of the most well-known metaphors for cognitive defusion is the “Passengers on the Bus” metaphor. Imagine you are driving a bus, and the passengers represent your thoughts. Some passengers are loud, critical, or demanding, while others are quiet or supportive. If you stop the bus every time a passenger yells at you, you won’t make much progress toward your destination. Cognitive defusion teaches you to keep driving the bus, acknowledging the passengers’ presence but not letting them dictate your journey.

Practical Strategies to Cultivate Cognitive Defusion

In ACT, cognitive defusion is a skill that can be practiced and developed. Here are some techniques to help you foster this skill:

  1. Labeling Thoughts: Practice noticing your thoughts and labeling them as they arise. For example, instead of thinking, “I’m a failure,” you might say, “I’m having the thought that I’m a failure.” This simple shift creates distance and reminds you that thoughts are not facts.
  2. Silly Voices Exercise: Repeat a troubling thought in a silly voice or imagine it being said by a cartoon character. This exercise highlights the arbitrary nature of thoughts and reduces their emotional impact.
  3. Thought Clouds: Visualize your thoughts as clouds drifting across the sky. Notice them come and go without trying to hold onto or push them away. This imagery reinforces the idea that thoughts are temporary and not inherently powerful.
  4. Leaves on a Stream: Imagine placing each thought on a leaf and letting it float down a stream. Watch as the leaf drifts away, carrying the thought with it. This technique helps you practice letting go of unhelpful thoughts.
  5. Thank Your Mind: When your mind produces a particularly challenging thought, try saying, “Thank you, mind,” with a touch of humor or kindness. This response acknowledges the thought’s presence without becoming entangled in it.

Common Misconceptions About Cognitive Defusion

It is important to clarify what cognitive defusion is and what it is not:

  • Defusion Is Not Suppression: Defusion does not involve pushing thoughts away or trying to eliminate them. Instead, it involves changing your relationship with them.
  • Defusion Is Not Distraction: While defusion techniques may reduce the immediate impact of a thought, their primary goal is to foster awareness and perspective, not to avoid or distract from the thought.
  • Defusion Is Not About Truth: The goal is not to determine whether a thought is true or false but to assess whether it is helpful and aligned with your values.

The Role of Cognitive Defusion in the ACT Hexaflex

Cognitive defusion is closely connected to other principles of the ACT hexaflex, such as mindfulness and acceptance. Together, these principles create a flexible approach to managing difficult thoughts and emotions while pursuing a meaningful life. By practicing defusion, you can increase your ability to stay present, act intentionally, and focus on what matters most.

Final Thoughts

Cognitive defusion is a transformative skill that allows us to step back from our thoughts and see them for what they are: fleeting mental events rather than absolute truths. By cultivating this skill, we can reduce the power of unhelpful thinking and make choices that align with our values and goals.

In the next post in this series, we will explore the principle of Present Moment Awareness, which builds on the concepts of acceptance and defusion to help us engage more fully with life. For now, consider how cognitive defusion might apply to your own experiences. How might your life change if you could view your thoughts with greater curiosity and detachment? The journey to greater psychological flexibility starts with small steps like these.

If you live in Washington State, and you would like to make an appointment, please feel free to contact me here. I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

:), Susan Reimers, JD/LICSW