Part 3 of a Five-Part Series on Dialectical Behavior Therapy
Emotions are an essential part of being human. They alert us to danger, help us recognize what matters to us, influence our relationships, and motivate us to act. Fear can tell us to protect ourselves. Anger can alert us that a boundary has been crossed. Sadness can signal a loss and encourage us to slow down and seek support.
But emotions can also become overwhelming. When feelings are especially intense, change rapidly, or seem impossible to control, we may react in ways that solve one problem in the moment while creating another one later.
This is where the Emotion Regulation skills of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) come in.
The goal of emotion regulation isn’t to eliminate unpleasant emotions or remain calm all the time. Instead, DBT teaches us to understand our emotions, reduce unnecessary emotional suffering, and choose how we respond rather than automatically acting on emotional urges.
Emotions Aren’t the Enemy
People sometimes approach therapy wanting to get rid of anxiety, anger, sadness, or other uncomfortable feelings. DBT takes a different approach. Emotions exist for a reason.
The problem usually isn’t that we have emotions. Problems arise when emotions don’t fit the situation, become so intense that they overwhelm us, or lead to behaviors that make our lives worse.
Imagine that a friend doesn’t return your text. You might feel mildly disappointed and decide to try again tomorrow. But if the situation triggers intense fear of rejection, you might send ten more messages, accuse your friend of ignoring you, or decide that the friendship is over.
The emotion is real. That doesn’t necessarily mean the emotion accurately describes what is happening.
Emotion regulation begins by creating enough space to ask: What am I feeling, why am I feeling it, and what response would actually be helpful?
Identifying Emotions Accurately
Before we can regulate an emotion, we need to know what we’re experiencing.
This can be surprisingly difficult. We sometimes use broad descriptions such as “bad,” “stressed,” or “upset” for very different emotional experiences. But anger, shame, fear, disappointment, grief, jealousy, and loneliness aren’t interchangeable. They have different causes and often call for different responses.
DBT encourages us to observe several parts of an emotional experience. What happened immediately before the emotion? What thoughts or interpretations followed? What sensations appeared in your body? What action did you feel like taking?
Suppose your supervisor asks to speak with you tomorrow. You notice a tight stomach and racing heart. Your thought is, I’m going to be fired. You want to avoid the meeting. Those clues suggest fear or anxiety.
Accurately naming the emotion gives us something concrete to work with. We can then examine whether its intensity fits the facts.
Check the Facts
Emotions are influenced not only by events but by how we interpret those events.
The DBT skill Check the Facts asks us to distinguish between what we know and what we’re assuming.
Your partner being unusually quiet is a fact. “They’re angry with me” is an interpretation. A friend canceling dinner is a fact. “They don’t care about me anymore” is an interpretation.
Sometimes our emotional reaction fits the facts perfectly. If you’re standing in the road and a truck is approaching, fear is appropriate and useful. If someone repeatedly violates an important boundary, anger may fit the situation.
Other times, examining the evidence reveals that our emotional response is based largely on assumptions. When an emotion doesn’t fit the facts—or is much more intense than the situation warrants—we can work on changing it.
Opposite Action
One of DBT’s best-known emotion regulation skills is Opposite Action.
Emotions create action urges. Fear may tell us to escape. Shame may tell us to hide. Depression may tell us to withdraw. Anger may tell us to attack.
When an emotion doesn’t fit the facts, DBT sometimes asks us to deliberately do the opposite of what the emotion urges us to do.
If unjustified fear tells you to avoid something safe, gradually approach it. If depression urges you to stay in bed and isolate, get up and engage in an activity. If unjustified shame tells you to hide, allow yourself to be seen.
Opposite Action isn’t about denying what you feel. You can acknowledge, “I’m afraid,” while choosing not to obey the fear.
Reducing Emotional Vulnerability
DBT also recognizes that emotional regulation begins long before a crisis occurs. We are generally more vulnerable to intense emotions when we’re exhausted, physically unwell, isolated, chronically stressed, or neglecting basic needs.
DBT therefore includes skills aimed at building emotional resilience. These include caring for physical health, eating adequately, avoiding substances that worsen emotional instability, getting sufficient sleep, and exercising appropriately. DBT also encourages building positive experiences, both through small enjoyable activities now and by working toward longer-term goals that create meaning and satisfaction.
Another important practice is building mastery: regularly doing things that help us feel capable and effective. This might mean learning something new, completing a difficult task, practicing a skill, cooking a meal, making music, exercising, or finishing something we’ve been avoiding.
Small experiences of competence accumulate.
Regulating Doesn’t Mean Controlling Everything
Emotional regulation isn’t emotional suppression. The goal isn’t to become detached, endlessly positive, or unaffected by painful experiences.
Sometimes sadness fits. Sometimes anger fits. Sometimes fear is telling us something important.
The goal is to recognize an emotion clearly, understand what prompted it, determine whether it fits the situation, and then choose an effective response.
That is a very different kind of control. We don’t necessarily get to choose which emotions arrive. With practice, however, we can gain much more influence over what we do once they’re here.
In Part 4, we’ll look at Distress Tolerance—the DBT skills designed for those moments when a painful situation can’t immediately be solved and the challenge is simply getting through it without making things worse.
If you live in Washington State, and would like to set up an appointment with Susan Reimers, LICSW at Transcendent Mental Health, please click here.
